17.0219-0900 It's love, not punishment or penance

---

@24.1126-0851.26atx orig

@25.0830-0029.05 atx edits

---

　　Dear Marla, (and James),

　　

　　I think that the 'Mistress' in the front of 'Hevea' is a glaring misnomer.

　　The other day James made an innocent remark which suggested his view of Hevea is much different from mine. I think he sees her as being some sort of sadistic, dominatrix-ish person who 'punishes' me because I have done something wrong and sees me as her sex slave.

　　

　　That is simply not the case.

　　Again, let me reiterate that Hevea is a metaphor. I also recognize that image of Hevea has become increasingly sophisticated and complex. In my mind, 'She' could be a character in one of my stories.

　　The 'Hevea' character is the (metaphorical) personification of my sexuality. She hijacked that when I was a young kid. She embodies my Rubberist urges.

　　I have pushed her back into a dark closet most of my life. At times I hated her because she was the main reason for most of my relationship failures. There is a lot of emotional scarring on my heart because of Hevea.

　　

　　But....

　　She is also part of ME. When I deny her the sunlight because the world is frightened of her, I also deny my self. For so many years I tied to accomodate the sexual identities of my partners and kept mine down in a closet in the basement of my mind.

　　I was not being True To Mine Own Self.

　　I am a solo Rubberist, not a hetero-sexual female. At this point in my life, I don't need a man's Dick. I've got better ones in my toy drawer -- and they don't come with all of the baggage.

　　Now that I have a life situation where I have been invited to indulge in my fetish deeply.

---

　　17.0319 It's love, not punishment or penance

　　===================

Submerse yourself in something.

　　My fetish is a loving sadist. I guess that makes me, Thalia, a masochist.